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Analysed 24,775 tweets, tweets from the last 211 weeks.
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Last 50 tweets from @TheOnion
Ornate, chiseled, and lovely, these four little miracles give us the best of all worlds. bit.ly/3zKtxTQ
 
Woman’s Primal Instincts Activate To Protect Nearly Finished Glass Of Wine From Approaching Server bit.ly/3744IWv
 
Beauty Industry Exec Keeps Photo Of Crying 15-Year-Old Girl On Desk To Remind Himself Why He Does This bit.ly/2WjiaUc
 
Different Waitress Brings Order bit.ly/3l0H9WD
 
Simone Biles Withdraws From Olympics Citing Mental Health #WhatDoYouThink? bit.ly/3BRBDf1
 
Wine: After being on their feet all day, the last thing any bartender wants to do is stomp on grapes in the basement and then barrel the juices for fermentation. bit.ly/373GziH
 
“Do you have any idea what they do to gymnasts who don’t compete?” -Mykayla Skinner (Gymnastics) bit.ly/3rJRzv9
 
DaBaby Apologizes For Leaving Jews Out Of Offensive Rant bit.ly/3f3d98Q
 
Conservatives Blast Simone Biles For Robbing Them Of Opportunity To Criticize Her Win bit.ly/377yqKg
 
Recently Divorced Man Understands Working Through Emotions Might Take 2 To 3 Days bit.ly/3zMC3RY
 
NFL Warns Unvaccinated Players Will Face Consequences For Domestic Violence Charges bit.ly/2TFVNHD
 
“Everything’s a stunt when you’re driving with a learner’s permit!” -Vin Diesel bit.ly/3f3dQz2
 
CDC Director Alarmed After Googling ‘Covid Cases’ For First Time in Weeks bit.ly/3jec7Z9
 
Finding Your Wife’s Account: Perhaps the most painful way to discover you’re not the only one who’s cheating. bit.ly/371s5QB
Insane Things That Everyone Who Uses Dating Apps Has Experienced
theonion.com
 
Scrapped Plot Lines That Would Have Changed Your Favorite Movies Forever bit.ly/3le9UPE
 
Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child bit.ly/3iZ7RMF
 
Cancelling The Games Halfway Through: This measure alone could reduce the Covid risk by 50%. bit.ly/3yfMm0Q
How Organizers Plan To Keep The Tokyo Olympics Safe
theonion.com
 
‘How The Hell Did Such A Weird Sport Get In The Olympics?’ Says Man Watching Golf bit.ly/3f7Q3Ox
 
What difficulties did this guitarist face while writing the score for ‘The Last Of Us’?
 
“Making sure they have blue Gatorade for me. I won’t drink that nasty yellow shit.”-Ashleigh Barty (Tennis, Australia) bit.ly/3BMXDHQ
 
Pros And Cons Of Requiring Covid Vaccinations bit.ly/2UWfkEf
 
Nation’s Thumb-Pointers Urge You To Get A Load Of This bit.ly/3l1Buj4
 
“Everyone relentlessly follows you around with cameras and won’t leave you alone. And they yell the most horrible things at you like, ‘Hey, Ben, we’re not done shooting this scene!’” -@BenAffleck | bit.ly/3l4gb0g
 
Nick Cannon Announces He’s About To Cum If Any Nearby Women Want Kids bit.ly/3iXClP8
 
Teenage Girl Blossoming Into Beautiful Object bit.ly/3x9isdh
 
Scientists have revived 24,000-year-old microorganisms found in Siberian permafrost, which, while harmless, raises questions about whether climate change will release potentially harmful pathogens as glaciers melt. What do you think? #WhatDoYouThink? bit.ly/3x3erad
24,000-Year-Old Microbes Found Surviving In Permafrost
theonion.com
 
Job Became Completely Humiliating So Gradually Area Man Barely Noticed bit.ly/371XjHl
 
Gap Forced To Recall Pants After Man Dies Eating 37 Pairs Of Corduroys bit.ly/3iRXcU1
 
Report: Buddy Dysmorphia Sufferers Experience Skewed, Negative Perception Of Shape Of Friends bit.ly/3BXDi2S
 
Celebrities Reveal Why They Actually Divorced Their Spouse bit.ly/3l4k59M
 
Friend’s Threats To Come Visit Becoming Disturbingly More Genuine bit.ly/3iWrRj4
 
New Six Flags Ride Based On Relationship With Deborah bit.ly/3BQaokU
 
White Russians: Bartenders are human beings, and they too will gag at the thought of adding milk to an alcoholic drink just like anybody else. bit.ly/2Vj0uHG
 
Marlboro Maker Could Stop Selling Cigarettes In Britain Within 10 Years bit.ly/3l6rJAe #WhatDoYouThink?
 
If you’re out at a bar, only order these drinks if you want to be hated forever. bit.ly/2TCLcgC
Drinks That Bartenders Hate The Most And Why
theonion.com
 
‘Well, Why Did I Get Vaccinated Then?’ Screams Burning Woman After Realizing She Can Still Catch Fire bit.ly/3yb0BUm
 
They All Have Secret Languages: That’s French they’re speaking, you uncultured hog. bit.ly/2UX2vd1
Common Misconceptions Everybody Has About Twins
theonion.com
 
The Onion Store Sweepstakes: Enter your credit card information at checkout now for a chance to own all of the items currently in your cart. bit.ly/2UVnpJl
 
5 Things To Know About ‘Jungle Cruise’
 
Improv Theater’s Corporate Workshops Help Employees Realize Things Could Always Be Worse bit.ly/3l0vcQK
 
A little squirt of lighter fluid goes a long way to give the meat that authentic grilled flavor. bit.ly/3eZbhOA
The Definitive Guide To Grilling The Perfect Steak
theonion.com
 
BP Launches Environmental Campaign Pledging To Clean Up Oil Polluting Earth’s Interior bit.ly/2UTsamS
 
New Study Finds Reading Comprehension Down Amongst Dumb Fucks Perusing This Headline bit.ly/3zJKGg2
 
Spencer Gifts Informs Customers You Can Just Assume All Its Employees Are Unvaccinated bit.ly/3l5Ilbk
 
The 11 Best Games To Play For The Nintendo Switch bit.ly/3l2RPEs
 
Nervous Olympic Athlete Trying Not To Break Down Under Pressure Of 4 People Watching bit.ly/3f476B4
 
New data suggests that most teens heading back to school will be unvaccinated against Covid-19, with less than a third on track to be fully vaccinated in the next 2 weeks. #WhatDoYouThink? bit.ly/3BJwq96
Millions Of Unvaccinated Teens To Head Back To School
theonion.com
 
Marvel Film Producers Save Money By Stocking Craft Services With Poorly Rendered CGI Foods bit.ly/3y8YJvh
 
Report: Nearby Conversation Definitely Just Got Quiet To Prevent You From Hearing It bit.ly/3eUPffC
 
"Honestly, it’s okay, if you don’t mind limited restaurant choices and all the noisy construction." bit.ly/3kYDOaP
Man Deftly Downplays His Neighborhood To Coworker Thinking Of Moving There
theonion.com
 
 
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