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Analysed 24,775 tweets, tweets from the last 211 weeks.
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Last 50 tweets from @TheOnion
Ornate, chiseled, and lovely, these four little miracles give us the best of all worlds.
Woman’s Primal Instincts Activate To Protect Nearly Finished Glass Of Wine From Approaching Server
Beauty Industry Exec Keeps Photo Of Crying 15-Year-Old Girl On Desk To Remind Himself Why He Does This
Different Waitress Brings Order
Simone Biles Withdraws From Olympics Citing Mental Health #WhatDoYouThink?
Wine: After being on their feet all day, the last thing any bartender wants to do is stomp on grapes in the basement and then barrel the juices for fermentation.
“Do you have any idea what they do to gymnasts who don’t compete?” -Mykayla Skinner (Gymnastics)
DaBaby Apologizes For Leaving Jews Out Of Offensive Rant
Conservatives Blast Simone Biles For Robbing Them Of Opportunity To Criticize Her Win
Recently Divorced Man Understands Working Through Emotions Might Take 2 To 3 Days
NFL Warns Unvaccinated Players Will Face Consequences For Domestic Violence Charges
“Everything’s a stunt when you’re driving with a learner’s permit!” -Vin Diesel
CDC Director Alarmed After Googling ‘Covid Cases’ For First Time in Weeks
Finding Your Wife’s Account: Perhaps the most painful way to discover you’re not the only one who’s cheating.
Insane Things That Everyone Who Uses Dating Apps Has Experienced
Scrapped Plot Lines That Would Have Changed Your Favorite Movies Forever
Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child
Cancelling The Games Halfway Through: This measure alone could reduce the Covid risk by 50%.
How Organizers Plan To Keep The Tokyo Olympics Safe
‘How The Hell Did Such A Weird Sport Get In The Olympics?’ Says Man Watching Golf
What difficulties did this guitarist face while writing the score for ‘The Last Of Us’?
“Making sure they have blue Gatorade for me. I won’t drink that nasty yellow shit.”-Ashleigh Barty (Tennis, Australia)
Pros And Cons Of Requiring Covid Vaccinations
Nation’s Thumb-Pointers Urge You To Get A Load Of This
“Everyone relentlessly follows you around with cameras and won’t leave you alone. And they yell the most horrible things at you like, ‘Hey, Ben, we’re not done shooting this scene!’” -@BenAffleck |
Nick Cannon Announces He’s About To Cum If Any Nearby Women Want Kids
Teenage Girl Blossoming Into Beautiful Object
Scientists have revived 24,000-year-old microorganisms found in Siberian permafrost, which, while harmless, raises questions about whether climate change will release potentially harmful pathogens as glaciers melt. What do you think? #WhatDoYouThink?
24,000-Year-Old Microbes Found Surviving In Permafrost
Job Became Completely Humiliating So Gradually Area Man Barely Noticed
Gap Forced To Recall Pants After Man Dies Eating 37 Pairs Of Corduroys
Report: Buddy Dysmorphia Sufferers Experience Skewed, Negative Perception Of Shape Of Friends
Celebrities Reveal Why They Actually Divorced Their Spouse
Friend’s Threats To Come Visit Becoming Disturbingly More Genuine
New Six Flags Ride Based On Relationship With Deborah
White Russians: Bartenders are human beings, and they too will gag at the thought of adding milk to an alcoholic drink just like anybody else.
Marlboro Maker Could Stop Selling Cigarettes In Britain Within 10 Years #WhatDoYouThink?
If you’re out at a bar, only order these drinks if you want to be hated forever.
Drinks That Bartenders Hate The Most And Why
‘Well, Why Did I Get Vaccinated Then?’ Screams Burning Woman After Realizing She Can Still Catch Fire
They All Have Secret Languages: That’s French they’re speaking, you uncultured hog.
Common Misconceptions Everybody Has About Twins
The Onion Store Sweepstakes: Enter your credit card information at checkout now for a chance to own all of the items currently in your cart.
5 Things To Know About ‘Jungle Cruise’
Improv Theater’s Corporate Workshops Help Employees Realize Things Could Always Be Worse
A little squirt of lighter fluid goes a long way to give the meat that authentic grilled flavor.
The Definitive Guide To Grilling The Perfect Steak
BP Launches Environmental Campaign Pledging To Clean Up Oil Polluting Earth’s Interior
New Study Finds Reading Comprehension Down Amongst Dumb Fucks Perusing This Headline
Spencer Gifts Informs Customers You Can Just Assume All Its Employees Are Unvaccinated
The 11 Best Games To Play For The Nintendo Switch
Nervous Olympic Athlete Trying Not To Break Down Under Pressure Of 4 People Watching
New data suggests that most teens heading back to school will be unvaccinated against Covid-19, with less than a third on track to be fully vaccinated in the next 2 weeks. #WhatDoYouThink?
Millions Of Unvaccinated Teens To Head Back To School
Marvel Film Producers Save Money By Stocking Craft Services With Poorly Rendered CGI Foods
Report: Nearby Conversation Definitely Just Got Quiet To Prevent You From Hearing It
"Honestly, it’s okay, if you don’t mind limited restaurant choices and all the noisy construction."
Man Deftly Downplays His Neighborhood To Coworker Thinking Of Moving There
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