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Analysed 200 tweets, tweets from the last 535 weeks.
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Last 50 tweets from @ConanOBrien
 
 
God is looking down on humans right now thinking, “Damn. Maybe I should try dinosaurs again?”
 
This is my Commencement Speech to the Harvard Class of 2020. Unlike college, it's short and free. youtu.be/VI2B3sZ1GaY
 
Cats can’t spread COVID but trust me, those assholes will figure out a way.
 
President Trump just demanded to see Twitter’s birth certificate.
 
My kids have started saying "Leave Meeting" when they want me to stop talking.
 
Hear Russell Brand (@rustyrockets) and I argue about whether "clear broth" or "synthetic saliva" is the best metaphor for fame. apple.co/TeamCoco
 
.@roryscovel is one of my favorite comics, and his hilarious new show "Robbie" is worth checking out between naps. youtube.com/watch?v=zJdsLi…
 
So, that’s what it’s like to wax the mold off an old potato. What'd everyone else get up to today?
 
Today, I overslept and completely missed my 2nd nap.
 
If there is a scandal involving Christina Applegate, what would they call it?
 
Elmo is a little nervous to host his first #NotTooLateShow. Share your advice to calm those stage-fright nerves and ♥️ for a reminder to watch @Elmo's big late-night premiere on @HBOMax May 27 (before his bedtime)! pic.twitter.com/RbyHFsqUMc
Replying to @hbomax @elmo
This town only has room for one charming, red-headed talk show host. And it's you.
 
I do believe that President Trump has been taking hydroxychloroquine. Since childhood.
 
Troubling thought: What if these are the good old days?
 
I booked @jjabrams on my podcast to ask him why he’s never cast me in any of his movies. Hear his chilling answer! apple.co/TeamCoco
 
What I Googled in January: "Who directed 'Ford v Ferrari?'"
What I Googled in May: "Can Murder Wasps get Coronavirus?"
 
Every meditation app should be called, Hey Brain, STFU
 
Every day I count the trees in my yard and the number is never the same. Anyway I'm fine.
 
“Normal People” is about 2 horny Irish teens who choose to have sex instead of unnaturally suppressing those urges so they can go into comedy.
 
If Trump wins in November, will he blame everything on the first Trump administration?
 
Just went down a 4-hour YouTube rabbit hole, so "tip of the hat" to the Father of American Beekeeping: Lorenzo Langstroth.
 
Tonight I described a Freudian nightmare in which my dad knocks a hotdog out of my hand after a dropped fly-ball at Fenway Park. Never happened, but I’ll lie about my Dad any day to get a cool t-shirt from @SullysBrand. to.teamcoco.com/2WnGsdm
 
I had an absolute blast speaking with Mike Myers about Canada, comedy, Liverpool, anxiety, and the threatening note I put in his office at SNL. apple.co/TeamCoco
 
Today is Mother's Day. I celebrated by taking my wife to her favorite room in the house and leaving her alone.
 
I just think Adam Driver is getting all the roles I'd be getting if I had his talent.
 
Cool quarantine fact: 99% of the time, the answer to "More spaghetti?" is yes.
 
Someone should do a podcast about true crime.
 
TIME Magazine just announced its Person of the Year: it's sourdough bread.
 
L.A. wildlife really is getting brazen during the lockdown--just today I found three Hollywood Boulevard Spidermen wandering in my yard.
 
When I recorded this interview with @TedDanson, his webcam was smudged with almond butter. Either that, or I have late-stage glaucoma. Hear our conversation @ apple.co/TeamCoco
 
I just adopted 890 barrels of oil.
 
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
 
It was an honor to celebrate #CollegeSigningDay with @MichelleObama last year and I want to offer the best of luck to this year's graduating seniors.
 
Where In Her House Is Carmen Sandiego?
 
Just found out the stimulus package is giving every American a podcast and an Etsy store.
 
Sometimes at night I look up at the stars and think... I should really get a roof for this house.
 
Check out my first socially distant podcast interview with the hilarious @nickkroll. Listen as I fail to work the equipment properly! apple.co/TeamCoco
 
Netflix just added a new category to their menu: “Stuff You Forgot You Already Watched at the Beginning of This Pandemic.”
 
I am packing on weight for a movie role I don’t have.
 
Looking forward to getting back to normal, and once again experiencing the simple pleasure of having a stranger sneeze into my open mouth.
 
Let’s play a game of “Who Can Cry First” I win.
 
I just spent 40 minutes opening and closing my blinds to the tune of Camptown Races.
 
Hey things might be bad right now but at least they’ll still be this way for a while.
 
Before the world shut down, I flew to London and sat down for a conversation with @rickygervais about comedy, meeting your heroes, and death. apple.co/TeamCoco
 
I'm starting to miss things I hated.
 
I’m a little nervous because Senator Kelly Loeffler just bought 600,000 shares in a company that makes gigantic fly swatters.
 
In retrospect, the Hunger Games had a lower child death rate than what Dr. Oz is suggesting.
 
I’m on day 27 of being useless in a pandemic.
 
Damn store would only let me have 600 of these.
 
 
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