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Analysed 42,000 tweets, tweets from the last 279 weeks.
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Last 50 tweets from @JimMFelton
In reply to @JimMFelton
Is Jim just @joelycett in straight face?
Replying to @nedend
(The person in the photo is Russell Kane)
 
In reply to @JimMFelton
Actually quite up for trying it now.
 
In reply to @JimMFelton
Pepsi clearly considers you to be too loyal to Coca Cola.
Replying to @pbAstronaut
[about to make an absolute killing if I can just get the line “drink pilk” out] NO MILK PEPSI IS NOT OK-
 
Once again I have been passed over for Lindsay Lohan pic.twitter.com/o6tJX8Fb3R
Replying to @JimMFelton
Apparently “some brummie” isn’t sexy enough to sell pilk
 
Replying to @EmmaMcL44139169 @pepsi and 1 otherfalse
This is bullshit, Lindsay Lohan taking all my work
 
Once again I have been passed over for Lindsay Lohan
 
Right, little advent quiz for you.

Can you fill in the blanks to reveal a true story (which I happen to have written about in my new book)

We’ll start with an easy one pic.twitter.com/cGxZvTLD2r
Replying to @JimMFelton
We have a winner. They couldn’t wait two days to slap people’s boater hats off went on a hat slapping orgy. It was a custom to remove people’s hats on 15 Sep, but they did it two days early and incited an actual riot. More here obvs. amazon.co.uk/Assholes-James…
 
In reply to @JimMFelton
"start school" "Learning"
Replying to @Transsomething
Ok ok I’ll do my homework, geez
 
Replying to @SaekoKiller
That kind of behaviour probably wouldn’t get them into a book about history’s biggest assholes
 
In reply to @JimMFelton
Is it: "celebrate World Lymphoma Awareness Day" and "raising awareness of Lymphoma"?
Replying to @PeterTh0mpson
That would have been much nicer of them but no
 
Right, little advent quiz for you.

Can you fill in the blanks to reveal a true story (which I happen to have written about in my new book)

We’ll start with an easy one
 
 
James Felton Retweeted ·  
i laugh as elon musk beams a meme directly to my frontal cortex via NeuraLink.™ omg epic win. i blink twice to NeuraLike™ it, then think very hard “thank you sir! please send bitcoin.” i open my eyes. it’s suddenly nighttime and i am strangling a union organizer.
 
In reply to @Michael_Dunn4
Usually in someone’s replies. Being a dick.
Replying to @Michael_Dunn4
Every last one of them has also replied “thank you sir” to Elon Musk
 
Londoners when you’re in front of them in a Pret but haven’t quite decided on your coffee yet pic.twitter.com/dkNukWlMvC
Replying to @Luiseach
Italians when I order a Hawaiian
 
I see many commentators on the census results saying, ‘So what if people who identify as “white British” are a minority in London, Birmingham, Leicester, Manchester, etc?’ Just one answer to which is ‘Because we never voted for this. Quite the opposite in fact.’
Replying to @DouglasKMurray
This dog whistle you’re using is just a normal whistle fyi
 
In 2002, a NASA intern stole a safe full of moon rocks, sprinkled them on a hotel bed, and had sex with his girlfriend on top of them.
Replying to @Factsofw0rld
One small thrust for man-
 
 
Must be great to move to the uk, right wing shithead types objecting when you don’t have money and also when you do have money
 
James Felton Retweeted ·  
*me whispering to my date in the cinema*: that's cocaine bear
 
"I lived through Thalidomide" is quite possibly the stupidest example of this genre of tweet. I lived through 9/11, I won't be needing any of your "chemotherapy" doctor.
 
James Felton Retweeted ·  
For anyone who needs it - if you go to a Morrison's café and ask for 'Henry' you can get a free meal of a baked potato and beans. All reports I've seen are that it's done discreetly and is not embarrassing.
pressandjournal.co.uk/fp/news/aberde…
Watch: We 'asked for Henry' in Peterhead Morrisons... Here's how easy it is to get free baked potato and beans
pressandjournal.co.uk
 
James Felton Retweeted ·  
LESS THAN A MONTH TILL XMAS REMINDER

If you haven't got all your stocking fillers, I highly recommend this book by me. Great gift for any teenagers/history fans who want a funny book about history's biggest assholes.

Audiobook read (brilliantly) by Russell Kane.
 
 
James Felton Retweeted ·  
Recently had my first patient come in hypothermic because they couldn't afford their heating.

There's going to be more, isn't there?
 
In reply to @JimMFelton
"They put a SECRET TAX on their app store purchases!" It's not a very good secret, Elmo.
Replying to @SoozUK
The sneaky bastards hid it at the start of their contract
 
Think I might advertise with the site where the owner publicly shits his teeth the very second you reallocate your spend pic.twitter.com/GW1vSsVpaT
Replying to @JimMFelton
Elon Musk keeping the site alive by individually negging advertisers as they flee
 
Think I might advertise with the site where the owner publicly shits his teeth the very second you reallocate your spend
 
In reply to @JimMFelton
Is this a real thing people do? I’ve heard of it but I’m still not sure it’s real.
Replying to @OhNoSheTwitnt
It is, and I am not kidding here, the best. Only the threat of diabetes prevents me from phasing out water.
 
You can take my extremely divorced dad energy from my cold dead hands pic.twitter.com/UybKgX4w9O
Replying to @JimMFelton
Imagine just admitting you drink coke milkless like this
 
James Felton Retweeted ·  
One day I hope to read a Jom book and declare "THIS IS SHIT. DON'T BUY IT! "

Today however won't be that day as he has yet again turned a fucking phrase or two that will combine laughter with repugnant recoil.

THIS IS NOT SHIT. BUY IT!
 
In reply to @JimMFelton
Done and putting an order in. 😊
Replying to @NHartstone
Thank you, hope you / whoever you bought it for likes it :)
 
James Felton Retweeted ·  
In reply to @JimMFelton
Read it. You should buy it, it's good for a laugh. Makes a great stocking filler, if you've got big stockings.
 
In reply to @JimMFelton
Really thought you were Russell Kane for a moment then! Publisher decision to go for Ass not Arse? “The US market is huge James”
Replying to @NeverEndingBiro
Lol, no apparently you can’t advertise with the word “arsehole” but you can with “asshole”. Or so we thought. Turns out neither is fine.
 
As always, will love you if you could retweet the hell out of my pinned tweet. Thank you all lovelies.
 
LESS THAN A MONTH TILL XMAS REMINDER

If you haven't got all your stocking fillers, I highly recommend this book by me. Great gift for any teenagers/history fans who want a funny book about history's biggest assholes.

Audiobook read (brilliantly) by Russell Kane. pic.twitter.com/XOmhubfStG
 
LESS THAN A MONTH TILL XMAS REMINDER

If you haven't got all your stocking fillers, I highly recommend this book by me. Great gift for any teenagers/history fans who want a funny book about history's biggest assholes.

Audiobook read (brilliantly) by Russell Kane.
 
James Felton Retweeted ·  
AI image generator input: incel, bed side table, incel, incel, photorealistic, right wing, incel, coca cola
 
In reply to @JimMFelton
WHY IS HE LIKE THIS
Replying to @shysteee2018
Gonna occcam’s razor it and guess he’s just a terrible person
 
You can take my extremely divorced dad energy from my cold dead hands
 
 
I can tolerate vulnerable hungry kids going without food at Christmas but I draw the line at not being able to pass on my enormous privilege to my own kids without paying VAT
 
James Felton Retweeted ·  
THE TORIES HAVE SPENT 12 YEARS FUCKING THE ECONOMY, BIDDING UP HOUSE PRICES AND BRIEFING THAT EVERYONE UNDER 40 IS SHIT, IT'S JUST POSSIBLE THERE ARE OTHER REASONS YOUNG PEOOLE DON'T VOTE FOR YOU, GUYS
 
James Felton Retweeted ·  
Matt Hancock reaching the I’m a Celebrity final went down like a witchetty grub smoothie.
thepoke.co.uk/2022/11/28/mat…
 
Matt Hancock on I'm A Celebrity: Has the controversial MP been forgiven? bbc.in/3APCnm2
Replying to @BBCNews
Yes, through the redemptive power of eating camel peen all is forgiven
 
James Felton Retweeted ·  
🚨 My new book is out TOMORROW 🚨

If you like my tweets you’ll love this funny book about humanity’s worst arseholes. 25 percent off if you get it now.
amazon.co.uk/Assholes-James…
 
Ratatouille but it’s a malevolent frog making Matt Hancock kill the elderly pic.twitter.com/Dl8GHOCGbd
Replying to @JimMFelton
Matt Hancock desperately trying to socially distance while frogatouille pulls the hairs that makes him do shagging
 
Ratatouille but it’s a malevolent frog making Matt Hancock kill the elderly
 
An honour to thank some of our healthcare heroes at @TheSun’s #WhoCaresWins awards on @Channel4. pic.twitter.com/YzEXGePC0F
Replying to @RishiSunak @TheSun and 1 otherfalse
Takes the piss quite a bit that you’re doing this while nurses strike against dangerously low staffing and your refusal to pay them a wage they can actually live on
 
James Felton Retweeted ·  
When you have absolutely no interest in meaningful change all you have left is owning the libs.
 
 
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