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Analysed 200 tweets, tweets from the last 236 weeks.
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Last 50 tweets from @NickSwardson
Who invented diarrhea? What a fucking jerk.
 
I mean....who the fuck would say 5? Might as well eat a hockey puck.
 
 
In reply to @NickSwardson
That’s why there’s Beer. 👍🏻👍🏻
 
In reply to @NickSwardson
So get rid of Tuesday also, right?
Wednesday!! Just get right to that shit.
 
In reply to @NickSwardson
Mondays are a state of mind
 
In reply to @NickSwardson
If Monday didn't exist, you'd hate Tuesday.
 
Who the fuck created Monday? Awful. Just awful.
 
You know you’re getting old when you think shits getting reckless because you started eating cheese again. 🙄
 
Seriously what city is more hammered shit fart drunk, St Louis or Toronto? That’s the real match up. I’ll take the over on STL. But you can never count out 🇨🇦 congrats to both.
 
Dear @Twins please trade for Max Scherzer. @NickSwardson and I will another Meatswards Day for his first start! pic.twitter.com/xjuVJszfiU
Replying to @MeatSauce1 @Twins
I’ll buy Rosen 30 Manny’s
 
 
One of my most talented friends is up for an Emmy. Vote for him. Please. @HARVEYGUILLEN
 
Just remembered my friend Rob from Philly sang a Backstreet Boys song and fell into the karaoke curtain hammered and kept singing on the floor wrapped in the curtain like a baby. Haha. Crowd was like “ummmmm? Wtf?”
 
In reply to @NickSwardson
I actually attempted to do Bohemian Rhapsody at my first ever work Christmass party. Was such a disaster my boss had to come help me out half way through.
 
What’s your biggest karaoke fail? I did ‘Unforgiven’ and Skid Row ‘I Remember You’. Hard fail. Half way through the songs I’m like “FUCK why did I do this?!” The crowd was like AWKWARD. Thanks vodka. 🙄👎
 
Nick Swardson Retweeted ·  
Studies show that 35-50% of the ocean must be protected to meet biodiversity protection and sustainability goals. Only 2% of the world’s ocean is currently in fully to high protected marine reserves. On this #WorldOceansDay sign the #GlobalDealForNature: globaldealfornature.org.
 
Nick Swardson Retweeted ·  
The ocean covers 71% of Earth.
Today, we invite you to celebrate #WorldOceansDay by making your feed 71% water.
Repost this image on Instagram and tag 4ocean and use hashtag #4TheWave.
Tag two friends to invite them to celebrate #WorldOceansDay with us!
 
Nick Swardson Retweeted ·  
Sliding into your PM’s this summer at 11:30pm after @TheDailyShow @ComedyCentral
 
Nick Swardson Retweeted ·  
 
This made me laugh. I’m from St. Paul. Guess that’s what I looked like. 🤷‍♂️
 
This NHL Stanley Cup series is already Mad Max. Love playoff hockey.
 
In reply to @Twins
 
In reply to @Twins
@Twins are unreal. 💪 let’s go MN.
 
This is one of my buds. He’s awesome and worked his farts off for this. Check it. ❤️
Ladies and Gentlemen, the titled documentary on @theamazingj & @joelozborn "ALWAYS AMAZING" trailer is here. Please RT, SHARE! It's the 1st film I directed & really proud of it. It's avail to all, Mon. June 3rd on @allthingscomedy youtube page. pic.twitter.com/BT2eaNMQkU
 
Love ❤️🤗
Happy Birthday Brody. We love you. Thank you for everything you gave to the comedy community. Push & Believe. Brodyisms 🎥 by @JeffScott101 #ATCpresents #brodystevens #valleyvibes #festivaloffriendship pic.twitter.com/bbLPfZNUsm
 
In reply to @NickSwardson
Any message for the male nonpilots wearing aviators?
 
@SonyaTheSezzy Why did you capitalize bro? And you can still see with a hat. 🙄
 
Hey, ladies wearing aviator glasses Sunday afternoon....we get it. You drank last night. You’re not a pilot.
 
Just curious, Sunday morning are you go for a jog or Bloody Mary? Because I’m both. Jog with a Bloody Mary.
 
I’m not a really good looking guy. My friend @jordanrubin said I looked like James Dean and Frankenstein had a baby. Guess I’ll take that. 🤷‍♂️
 
 
This NBA game should be sponsored by Adderall. Wtf? Relax.
 
Life is cool and then you realize you’re not Keanu Reeves or Brad Pitt and then you’re like “Feck”. Who would you rather be? I’m going Brad Reeves. Super human.
 
In reply to @NickSwardson
Inside the dangerous mind of @NickSwardson
You’re my only friend, Mark. @MeatSauce1 is burning his bridge and pubes with me.
 
Congrats to NO and the Pelicans. @Timberwolves are clearly drafting @KFANRosen again. His nude half court sky hooks will work this year. NO I drank so much I barfed in my hands and threw it in the air like Lebron James. True story. #Jameson #BourbonStreet #1998
 
In reply to @NickSwardson
touché, will@have to catch you again next time you are in Wisconsin. Maybe you can conjure up some magic dust again and try to make it funny!
Replying to @JeffKennedy1979 @TheoVon and 4 others
Theo snorts magic dust. I don’t need help. I am naturally a wizard.
 
In reply to @NickSwardson
It only took a handful of words to write Green Eggs and Ham & that worked out well for Dr. Seuss. So, be nice to Theo with his little collection of words in his post-MTV world!
Replying to @pennywisepoet @JeffKennedy1979 and 5 others
Point taken. Theo also doesn’t use toilet paper. Fact.
 
Holy shit!! @TheoVon is my new favorite comic. Didn’t know who he was until Hot Ones!!! Wife and I can’t get enough!! Love your story and your story telling. Can’t wait to see where this goes! Sorry @NikkiGlaser , @chrisdelia , @marknorm , @NickSwardson , @anthonyjeselnik
Replying to @JeffKennedy1979 @TheoVon and 4 others
I mean....Theo wears a wig and only knows 8 words but sure. 🤷‍♂️ sign up for that backwoods lizard. 👎 (see you on my tour. Let me win you back)
 
And Monday anxiety....check
Block or charge?🏀🌊🦈😱💥🤭 pic.twitter.com/6p3FjhRknu
 
Nick Swardson Retweeted ·  
#happymothersday @DavidSpade and beautiful baby @RobSchneider

How do you decide where to stop shaving @NickSwardson
 
this is so weird, but happy mother’s day moms. you really made us. pic.twitter.com/KalBqYEAVn
 
Nick Swardson Retweeted ·  
Look at this bastard taking MY DAY and turning it into HIS day! I have another show to do tonight and he’s ruined EVERYTHING
 
I’m not there.
Replying to @MeatSauce1
I meant Minnesota. Leave. Take your thong off.
 
Get @MeatSauce1 out of the stadium. He just ruined all of this. I blame you @johnkriesel and obviously @KFANRosen
 
 
In reply to @joerogan
@joerogan and @bryancallen You have to watch this. Funniest shit with @TheoVon and @NickSwardson Theo Von & Nick Swardson CLOWN Joe Rogan! youtu.be/XXadrw2kKfg
Replying to @jlightambrico @joerogan and 2 others
is one of my buddies. We love Joe. We all clown each other. That’s true love. ❤️
 
In reply to @ikpanderson
And yes, I did look up what restaurants are currently at the Har Mar Mall to write that joke.
Replying to @ikpanderson
Haha. I’m closing down every Lee Ann Chins.
 
In reply to @NickSwardson
Come to our game on the 18th! Playing Indy at the @Vikings new training stadium!
 
That’s me when the @Twins are in first place. Can’t wait to come home to MN next week. I’ll be popping around town working out new material. High five!
 
 
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